Goodbye My Lover
by Lady Marianne
Summary: The End --ch. 3 from NM-- in Edward's point of view. Songfic to "Goodbye my Lover", by James Blunt. Read and review!


**My friend and I agree that this is _the_ song for NM --the lyrics match so perfectly--, so when she told me to write this I agreed, thinking that it'd be a piece of cake. It turns out I was _wrong_! This is probably the hardest thing I've ever written. It took me over _a year_ and countless of sheets paper, and _still_ I'm not sure if I like it. I think I got a bit carried away with the whole angsty thing, but what the hell, it's Edward's point of view! In this case angsty is good. ****Please, _please,_ let me know what you think. I really want to know.**

**Once again, this one is dedicated to my friend Sun Darcy. She's the one who's been bugging me to write this, so if you don't like it's her fault. And, while I'm at it, this also goes to Mili, even though she doesn't review my stories and she doesn't even _like_ Twilight. She has to put up with me talking about Twilight, so she's a saint. A fanfic is the _least_ I can do for her. Love you both!!**

**Declaimer: If I were Stephenie Meyer I'd know Robert Pattinson. I don't know him. _(*sighs*)_ Ergo: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. If she ever decides to write something like this (which I hope she does), hers would be a thousand times better. I'm not James Blunth either, since I'm neither a man or English_._ Nor can I sing or write songs or play the guitar or the piano...**

**I'm ranting. I know. Sorry, I do that when I'm nervous. **

**Anyway, I'm done now. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Goodbye my Lover**

All my existence, from the moment I opened my eyes to my new life, I'd known that I was a monster. I never even tried to deny what I was –how could I? I had cold, hard and pale skin that glistered in the sun, my eyes changed colour, I didn't sleep, didn't _need_ to breath and I drank blood for a living. Seriously, how could anyone think of me other than as a monstrous creature?

However, I did like to think that the human boy I had once been wasn't entirely gone. I had always tried to hold on to that little shred of humanity I had left. It was because of it that I'd only killed the "bad guys" during my rebellious years. It was because of it that I had come back to Carlisle and Esme and now fed only on animals. It was because of it that I could keep up a human charade at school. It was because of it that I had been able to be with Bella, why I hadn't killed her on that first infamous day during our biology class.

And it was because of it that I was standing here right now.

Ironically, though, I'd never felt more of a monster as I did now.

I could tell this was a bad idea. My whole being was begging me to stop this nonsense right now. But I couldn't. The human in me –my conscience, I guess– kept whispering in my ear: _This is the right thing. This is the right thing. _I didn't _want_ to do it; I could tell that saying the words would kill me. But I had to do it. For her. _She_ deserved better than me.

I took one deep breath and said the words I'd been rehearsing for three days.

"I don't want you to come with me, Bella."

I was secretly hoping that she wouldn't believe me. I was sure she wouldn't. After all the times I'd told her how much I loved her, after everything I'd done to show her how much she meant to me… There was no way that nine silly words could destroy everything we've built for the last seven months.

I was wrong.

I saw it in her face, how she had actually believed me. She didn't look surprised. She didn't look hurt. She didn't cry. She didn't even try to put up a fight. All I could see in her bottomless chocolate eyes was understanding and resignation.

Somehow it made it all worst.

If she had cried, if she had screamed at me, if she had called me names… all those things I would have been able to handle. Her silence… Not so much. She looked broken –dead.

Even when I was trying to protect her, I had ended up hurting her. Killing her.

_Did I disappoint you, or let you down,_

_Should I be feeling guilty, or let the judges frown._

_Cause I saw the end, before we began,_

_Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won._

This was my fault, obviously. If I hadn't been so cocky, so determined to prove myself that there was no way a single human girl could break me so… if I had just left her alone before this whole thing got out of hand…

But I hadn't. I couldn't have.

I thought back to that first weeks, how I had tried to unravel the mysteries of her mind and always reached the wrong conclusion. She never did or said what I would have expected her to do or say –to this day, she never did– and that had fascinated me. I hadn't been able to ignore her at all. On the contrary, every little thing I learned about her made me want to know more. And so I had.

I had _tried_ to keep her out of the way –tried to pray information for her friend's minds. But I had slipped. One innocent invitation from Mike Newton and I couldn't keep my distance anymore. Suddenly it wasn't enough to guess her thoughts from what she told Mike and Jessica. I needed her to tell _me._ I needed her to answer _my_ questions.

And so I became her friend.

At this point I had already known that I loved her, but I was still determined to keep my distance. I would get to know her, but I wouldn't let her know me, I vowed. This little experiment of mine would only hurt me in the end. Bella wouldn't have to pay for my actions.

It never occurred to me that she might be going through a similar thing herself.

I should have left when I first noticed that I might not be the only one falling in love, but I didn't. I was too caught up with her by now.

_So I took what's mine by eternal right._

_Took your soul out into the night._

_It may be over but it won't stop there,_

_I am here for you if you'd only care._

"You… don't… want… me?" she asked.

"No."

I nearly winced. Nearly. How could I _not_ want her? How could I ever want anyone but her? She was the whole reason why that human boy –a faint whisper for the past 90 years– had been growing strong since the moment she spoke to me for the first time and was now _screaming_ at the back of my mind _This is the right thing, this is the right thing…_

_You touched my heart you touched my soul._

_You changed my life and all my goals._

_And love is blind and that I knew when,_

_My heart was blinded by you._

Bella Swan was my whole life. Everything I did or said or thought anymore was about here. Everything. From the moment that van had almost crashed her before my very eyes, she'd become the centre of my world. What I wanted didn't matter anymore. I was all about Bella now.

Just to _think_ about spending some time, however short, without her, hurt me more than I had ever been hurt before.

But I'd do it. I _would_ stay away from her.

She would move on. She would find a man –a human– who would make her happy. They would get married and have babies and they would watch them grow together. She would have a lifetime of happy memories. She would have a _normal_ life.

There would be no mythical creatures in her path, not anymore. I would make sure of it. I would hunt down Victoria and make sure that she would never, ever, bother Bella. And once she was over and done with I'd find somewhere to spend the next few years. Maybe by then I'd be in a better frame of mind to be with my family again, maybe I wouldn't. Who knew?

_I've kissed your lips and held your hand._

_Shared your dreams and shared your bed._

_I know you well, I know your smell._

_I've been addicted to you._

All of our kisses, all the nights I'd spent in her room, all the things I'd said to her in the short time we'd know each other… they would all become a faint memory to Bella, whereas for me they'd always be the happiest memories of my abnormally long existence. She would forget all about me, but I'd never forget about her. Never. Her scent, the sound of her heartbeat, the exact pitch of her voice, the exact shade of her hair and eyes… I'd never forget any of that. I'd always have her memory, even if that was all I could have from her.

"Well, that changes things." She said, still calm.

I couldn't bare it anymore. I couldn't look at the empty shell I'd forced her to become. I looked away into the trees, fighting against my most selfish side, which was begging me to take it all back and drop to my knees seeking forgiveness.

_This is the right thing. This is the right thing. _

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

"Of course I will always love you…" I said, my most selfish side taking control for a moment. I got a grip on myself just before I ruined everything. "…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… _tired_ of pretending to be something that I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." _If I were, we wouldn't be having this conversation_. I forced myself to let down my guard to show her exactly what I meant. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't," she pleaded. It seemed that my words were finally making sense to her. Good, it meant I wouldn't have to carry on with this for much longer. All I wanted to do was go somewhere I could be alone, curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out –figuratively speaking, of course. "Don't do this."

_Okay_, I wanted to say. _Okay, forget I ever said that._ But I didn't.

I still had one more line to deliver, and that was it. Once the words were out of my mouth, there'd be no turning back. Bella would hate me for it, and that was exactly what I needed –for her to hate me. She had to not want to hear from me ever again.

_This is the best thing. This is the best thing._

"You're not good for me, Bella."

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

I waited for her to say something. She _had_ to say _something_. I had just implied that I, a soulless monster, was better than her, the most pure of human beings. Surely, she must be furious.

I watched her face intently, waiting for the moment when the screaming would start. But my mind was not in the _now._ No, I took these last few moments I still had with her to think of the future that_ could have been_, had I been able to provide her with a future that didn't involve A) her either wasting her life next to someone who couldn't give her anything in return, or B) me taking her soul or, worst still, C) her dead.

We'd get married right after High School, I decided. I always knew that the moment I found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I'd waste no time and propose to her right away. We'd go to College together, me to study Medicine and Bella would probably mayor in Literature or Journalism.

After we graduated, we'd go on working. Only when we were both settled in our jobs would we start having kids. I imagined that we would have two or three kids, I didn't really know. I'd want a girl, that's for sure. I could totally see myself as the overprotective father of a fierce, somehow rebellious girl.

"If… that's what you want." Bella whispered, breaking my reverie.

_I am a dreamer and when I wake,_

_You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take._

_And as you move on, remember me,_

_Remember us and all we used to be._

I couldn't think of that impossible future anymore, I told myself sternly. She would have a future similar to the one I'd envisioned for us, but I wouldn't be in it. I wouldn't be anywhere _near_ it.

How long would it take her to leave me behind? How long would it take her to find someone to replace me? And after she did, would I ever cross her mind? Would she remember the incredible summer we had both spent at Forks? Would her mind drift back to me when someone mentioned my name? A part of me hoped she did.

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile._

_I've watched you sleeping for a while._

_I'd be the father of your child._

_I'd spend a lifetime with you._

Would I be a good memory or a bad one? God knows I could become either one. Yes, I had made her happy for a brief period of time. I remembered that first night I stayed with her –with her consent. I remembered the look on her face when she saw that I _had_ stayed. That was the happiest I had ever seen her since I first met her.

But I had also brought her a great deal of sadness and disappointment. I could still see her face when she had to say goodbye to her father last spring because there was a savage vampire on her back. Or, worst still, how she had looked at the ballet studio –broken, in pain. And all because of me.

She said she didn't mind all that, as long as I was with her. She said she still wanted to be part of my future –wanted _me_ in hers–, despite all that. Maybe with time she'd finally understand that I was no good for her and she'd be glad that I had finally left her alone. It's what any other human would do.

It suddenly struck me that Bella was not like other humans. Maybe she'd react differently yet again and she'd do something stupid. I looked at her. Her expression was still blank, so it was hard to tell what was going on inside her head. That worried me.

_I know your fears and you know mine._

_We've had our doubts but now we're fine,_

_And I love you, I swear that's true._

_I cannot live without you._

Bella was incredibly insecure. What if my words caused her more than hatred towards me? What if she found a way to blame this on herself, like she always did, and ended up doing something stupid?

"I would like to ask one favour, though, if that's not too much," I said without thinking. Only too late did I realize that I was in no position to ask favours, and that Bella had all the right to do the exact opposite of what I'd ask her. But she didn't seem to care.

"Anything." She vowed, like she always did. It seemed as if my words hadn't changed the way she felt about me. Yet.

As I looked into her eyes, I tried to think of what I'd do if she did something stupid. I couldn't; it was too hard. It was bad enough to think about Bella in any kind of pain; imagining her _dead_ was too much. I knew she _would_ die eventually, and I dreaded the day she did. My only comfort was that I still had 60 or 70 years to _try_ to get used to that idea. But if that time was cut short… if she _did_ do something reckless or stupid… She couldn't. I had to make sure she didn't.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid." I pleaded. _Please, please, please._ I was well aware of the fact that my mask had dropped and that I was acting far more concerned than someone who had just said he didn't care about her should act. But I couldn't bring myself to care. This was far too important to mess with. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded her head and I sighed in relieve.

I tried to cover up my former slip. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself –for him."

"I will." She promised, and then I knew that she would. Bella, being the selfless girl she was, would never do anything to hurt the ones she loved. I could trust her.

Time to get this over with.

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."

I hadn't prayed in a very long while –there was no point in praying, I thought, because it wasn't as if God would ever waste his time helping someone like me. But as I said the words, I prayed for them to become true. I asked God or whoever was up there to give me the strength to stay away from her.

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

As the seconds ticked by, she looked even more devastated. I'd have to leave soon, before my most selfish side took over and I ended up in my knees begging for forgiveness.

I tried to give her a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry. You're human –your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." Humans were so lucky…

"And your memories?" Only Bella would worry about my feelings at a time like this. She was still worried about me. I felt even sicker than before.

"Well –I won't forget." _I wouldn't _want_ to forget, even if I could._ "But my kind... we're very easily distracted."

_And I still hold your hand in mine._

_In mine when I'm asleep._

_And I will bare my soul in time,_

_When I'm kneeling at your feet._

I'd make it through the next few years with the memory of Bella in my mind. That's all I'd ever have from her. The time we'd be apart would be Hell, but I was willing to take it. The only thing I asked in return was once last glimpse of her –once she was up in Heaven, where she belonged, and before I was sent to the darkest pits of Hell. A chance to bare my soul to her and to explain why I was doing this. One last chance to tell her that I _did_ love her, that I had always loved her and that I'd always love her, even if I was down in Hell, suffering the worst torments Satan could think of.

Oh, how I wanted to tell her _I love you_ now…

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." I took a step back.

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

I never expected her to catch the plural, but she did. Once again, she focussed on the one thing I hoped she would pass. So classically Bella…

"Alice isn't coming back." It wasn't a question, just the statement of a fact.

I shook my head. "No, they are all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Funny –well, _weird_–: I'd told her I was leaving and she hadn't been surprised; I'd mentioned that my sister was gone too, though, and her face showed nothing but disbelief. I wondered why that was. This was just one more of the thousands of questions I'd never have an answer for.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." More like I'd _forced_ her into the car…

_Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend._

_You have been the one, you have been the one for me._

There was one last thing left for me to say. I hoped I was strong enough to keep a straight face.

"Goodbye, Bella."

Something seemed to snap into place in her head.

"Wait!" She cried.

She took a step towards me, and my whole body filled with joy as my hands moved on their own accord and locked around her wrists.

_Walk away_, I ordered myself.

For a second I couldn't move. I was too comfortable like I was, feeling her warm skin against mine.

_Walk away_, I repeated, more sternly.

My body ignored my mind's command and leaned forward. Once again, there was a war ragging inside my head: what was right against what I wanted –good, human Edward versus selfish, monster Edward.

My good side was only slightly stronger.

I pressed my lips on her forehead and inhaled her scent for the last time.

I held her like that for another second.

_Walk away._

_I can't._

_Do it._

_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow._

_I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

"Take care of yourself." I whispered.

I dropped her hands and I ran.

I ran as fast as my legs would carry me.

I ran, leaving everything that I was behind.

_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow._

_I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

**THE END**


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